Standing on the edge of forever...

More than thirteen years ago my life was changed forever.

A dream became a reality...

I became a mother.

That September day,
my life,
was
made better,
forever.


The years passed
and I was blessed twice more.


Today,
I am the mother
of three children.

There is nothing
I wouldn't give,
nothing
I wouldn't do,
to protect them,
to provide for them...

I know every good parent feels the way I do.

I find myself,
in a position,
I wouldn't wish
on anyone in this world.

My youngest son...
has behaviors and needs...
that may just be too much...
to remain in my care...
in our home.

There are no easy solutions,
no way to look into his eyes,
and explain... no ready answers.

I sit typing...
wishing that I wasn't the one who had to figure it all out.

I try to pray,
I feel like Job...

I want a rescue,
an answer
that won't break any one's heart.

I'm headed out to my swing,
to look into the sky...
to soak in the beauty of creation.

To try,
to find a way to accept
the unacceptable.

I pray for you,
I pray for me...

That tonight and always,
when we hit that wall...
the one at the edge of forever...
That you,
that I,
that we,
are given the strength and wisdom
to do what has to be done.

May our dear ones,
be held close by the
God who made us all.
May He,
keep them safe,
bless them,
Now, Always, Forever.

My Son

My boy.

My little one.

Tonight my stomach hurts.

I've been talking over options with my ex.

Trying to decide what to do with our dear son.

Who we both love.

Who is sometimes very violent.

Who is loving and unaware of the implications of his behavior.

Who is ours.

Life is hard.

My heart is heavy.

May the One who made us all

guide us,

protect us,

comfort us,

keep us strong.

May your day,

my day,

our forevers,

be filled with the beauty

of His creation.

May the hard things in life,

the sad things...

May they pass...

Through the dark valleys,

may we find light.

God Bless you all,

Tonight,

Tomorrow,

Always.

Blessings

I'm counting my blessings today.

This photo is of my little son.

He's almost eleven.

He is mostly nonverbal....

notice I didn't say silent.

(I'm smiling as I type this.)

He has been known to flood bathrooms,

break things

and do embarrassing things in public.

Today, as he sat on my floor and I played my itunes for him...

I was struck by how very much I love him.

He is high maintenance.

Sometimes his hijinks's have me wondering what I should do.

And yet...

his smile...

melts my heart.

...he loves sidewalk chalk...

cookies...

silly songs...

pizza...

walking at the parks...

He is a blessing.

...not a liability...

I am glad he's mine.

It is easy to look and see the problems.

Sometimes, when I am discouraged,

I have felt unequal to the effort it takes.

My little guy is my biggest challenge.

and...

quite likely my biggest blessing.

Today, I as I sit here,

I am saying a prayer.

One of thanks.

For the woman I have become,

because of my son.

I pray that I will be given the strength

to continue to be the mother he deserves,

the one he needs.

I hope for you,

that when you have challenges,

you will be blessed,

as you find a way to do what you need to do.

Dandelions in life...weeds or unexpected flowers?

Sometimes in life we experience things that we never thought would happen to us. These occurrences can be good or bad, it really doesn't matter, because either can catch us unaware. (Although I've always contended I'd figure out a way to "deal" with winning millions!)

What should we do when we hit these "bumps" in life's road? As a child growing up, I always wanted to be a mother. I imagined what it would be like, using my own childhood for reference. As adult I have been blessed with three children, two of whom have autism. My life, although very good, is not what I envisioned.

Autism.... it is a word that makes many people sit up and pay attention.

For me, it is just a fact of life. It is the reason you have to know how to open a combination lock in order to get toilet paper at our house (think flooded bathroom) and the reason my ten year old watches Barney's Christmas Star, in July.

It is also the reason I haven't forgotten the joy of stamp machines and why my youngest daughter always knows where we are headed. (She has a truly spooky sense of direction.)

I am not here to raise autism awareness, in fact, I usually don't talk about it. My point is simply this, things happen in life that you don't expect. They can be good, like becoming a parent. They can be bad like losing a best friend. Or, like autism, they can simply be.

If you find that your "adventure" whether real or metaphorical, does not turn out the way you thought it would, take a deep breath and sit down.

I am convinced, that in the end, there is a bigger plan for us all.

I believe that the plan is good.