Watching the birds,
my son sat eating his lunch downtown this summer...

There is no way to know what my nonverbal son is thinking most of the time.

I can however gage his mood quite easily as he does not have the ability to hide his emotions.

Throughout my own life, I have been told many times that my face gives me away. Even if a person misjudges the emotions swimming through my heart, they know something is going on. I haven't been known for a poker face.

However, this hasn't been a real problem as my spirit has generally been happy. I have walked the path of life with a firm belief that anything could be solved and in the end everything worked out the way it should. Now, I find I have a sense of disequilibrium that is hard to shake.

While in college many years ago I studied a educational theorist named Jean Piaget who spoke of this concept. Piaget believed that when we encounter something unfamiliar that doesn't fit with what we have held to be true, we feel a deep sense of disquiet.

In educational settings teacher's are taught to capitalize on these events and provide our students with ways to help them bridge the gap between what they know and what they are trying to learn. At my students' level, this could be as simple as providing books that explain the concept in understandable terms or experiments that help the children in my care make sense of the new idea.

As an adult, there is no such quick fix. Watching the cork sink or float is not going to help me figure some of the big questions I think about. I still believe that we are not alone in this world. That there is a God who loves us. I believe this deep in my heart.

I want to believe that in the end everything works out. That if you do right and hold on, good things happen, but I'm just not sure of this everyday. I do not believe my questions are new or my disenchantment with the problems in life to be highly unusual.

I have always admired Mother Theresa and I find it comforting and slightly sad as well, that she had her own moments when the questions of her heart made her wonder about what she believed.

I was told once, by a very kind pastor, that love was a choice before it was ever a feeling. I believe this, I claim this. I choose to live this.

How I feel in this moment or any other does not negate the love of my Lord. It does not make him any less real. It does not remove the beauty of the sunset or the sound of the path under my feet as I hike up a hill. Thank God for that. Yes, I thank God. Today and always, regardless of my feelings, I am grateful for my life. For the world I am a part of... for those I have been given to love.

Today,
Tomorrow...
Forever,
I ask that you are blessed.
That on your path you are always given a friend.
That you know, you are here for a reason.
That you hold on.
I pray for those whose lives I can not change,
who for whatever reason are in turmoil.
I ask that they be given strength for their journey.